Rebuilding

Last week I shared my 2023 year in review. As the year was coming to a close I began thinking about rebuilding my life. I was talking to my friend Jasmine on the phone and sharing how I had been feeling. She mentioned that rebuilding really stuck with her and this made me think about how I wanted to share more about it here. I began working part time in November as a first step back into putting the pieces of my life back together. I am so grateful for this role because it showed me that what I was truly missing in my life was hope. During the period I was unemployed and not feeling my best, I lost hope that life could be anything but how I was feeling at that time. As I began working part time, I was getting back into a routine and as I regained hope I was also regaining a sense of purpose. In my heart I know that my purpose should not be tied to the work that I do but rather the person that I am. But y’all, I’m still a work in progress. I’ll be talking more about this on the blog in the future. 

I was also able to identify pieces of my life that I needed to place more emphasis on as I was taking on rebuilding my life. As with most things in my life I started by creating a folder in my Google drive named, “Rebuilding 2023 & 2024.” I started by thinking about my dreams and goals. Something I am sure that I will talk more about on this blog is that I am someone who experiences depression and anxiety. I have amazing medical and mental health professionals who help me navigate that journey, but when I am experiencing a depressive episode one of the first things to go is my ability to dream and believe that I am capable of making my dreams a reality. So this is why I always start here. It is kind of like my north star when I have to put myself back together, but I have never been in this situation before where I felt like I ruined my life and discovering how to recreate or create a brand new life that I would love. Once I realized I could dream again, I began planning to make those dreams come to fruition. Now one thing is for certain and two things are true: I love planning! It allows me to feel centered, it helps me to know that I can actually do things that I want, and I just feel all around better when I have a very clear and broken down plan. The first step was to create a plan for my money to get my expenses back on track. Then I created a plan for my routines and how I planned to apply for full time roles and scholarships. I like details so there were multiple documents that supported each of these areas.

But more than the steps that I’m taking to actually rebuild, I want to explore more with you all what rebuilding actually means to me. I had a realization this week that I am proud of myself. That is not something I say often and considering just a couple months ago the one persistent thought I was having was that I single-handedly messed up my whole life, this is a big deal. Rebuilding hasn’t been easy. I began what I am now calling my Rebuilding Era at the end of November and there have been times that I have regressed. When I have hope in myself and believe that I am actually capable of doing the things that mean a lot to me, it means more to me than anything in the world. That is my Oscar/Emmy/Super Bowl winning moment. The fact that I, regardless of whatever is present in my own life from my own thoughts to imposter syndrome or the comparisons I make to my peers, I decide that while those may be present I am going to have faith in myself despite of that. I cannot begin to think of the words to describe how that makes me feel. Maybe a good place to start is that it feels like love. It feels like I am caring and loving for myself just how I would all the incredible people in my life and that is significant to me.

I mentioned that rebuilding isn’t a linear process. I still need my social media affirmation pages to get me through (SN: My current favorite ones are I Am Mantra on Twitter and The Storyteller Co. on Instagram). Some days and weeks are better than others, but I am very much leaning into the fact that everyday I am trying and I am trying my best each day. My best does look different on every single one of those days, but nonetheless, it is all the effort I have to give and that is all I can ask of myself.

Wishing you well,

Danyelle

11:55am 2.11.24