Year in Review

I know we are already a month into this year, but this has still had a great impact on me and wanted to share.

To be real, my life fell apart this year and that is something that I am still processing and coming to terms with. My life looks nothing like it did this time last year. I don’t feel anything like how I felt last year and to be honest, I don’t feel better this year than I did during the last. I am still overflowing with gratefulness for everything that allowed me to be here and in the circumstances that I am in, but I am human. I am experiencing a full range of emotions and sharing this with you all. This post is not meant to be negative, but I do want to allow myself to be candid and share genuine feelings without the need to paint everything as hopeful and joyous. 

As I began thinking about this year, I tried to remember what happened in the beginning half of the year, from January until my birthday (June 14th). Without going through the photos app on my phone, I couldn’t tell you what happened. So I am not going to try to force myself to try to be unbiased or try to paint a complete picture. I want to make sure I am making space for the things that are sticking with me this year and that is the fact that it has been hard to remember who I am and the life I am currently living is not one that I thought it would be at this time. 

So let me share what has made it so hard. It wasn’t a year full of traumatic experiences (although there were some things thrown in there), but I do feel like I let myself down. In the late spring I decided to end my lease early due to a gnat infestation in my apartment. At the time, I thought I would be moving in early August to Pennsylvania to begin a graduate program so I thought I could move in with my parents for a few months until it was time for me to move. Those couple of months have turned into five and I don’t have plans on moving out until I leave for graduate school in August 2024. At this same time, I left the job that I had been in for the last five years. It was a role I loved deeply, but no longer served me. So although I was not moving, I decided to end my employment. 

During this time, I wasn’t nervous or anxious about my next steps. I had nothing figured out but at the time I just felt that everything was going to be okay. And current me is sitting here thinking how could I let past me make such massive decisions for myself? Who put her in charge?

Throughout this year, I have felt deeply sad and cried probably more than I ever have. Until this year, I wasn’t crying often, but rather having anxiety attacks. With better treatment of my anxiety, it allows my body to not have so many attacks, but to allow the tears to flow when they need to. That has been comforting as I have self-soothed when the emotions about the fact that I can’t just hang out at my favorite restaurant like I used to or that I am really never alone. I think more than anything, I miss the oasis that I created for myself in my apartment. When I lived there, I knew that even when things felt hard on the outside of those walls, I could be in control of what I experienced within those walls. I no longer have that, and it may be the root of my sadness.

This year is not something that I ever want to experience again, I’m grateful that the chapter has closed. I am looking forward to beginning new routines and wellness habits that allow me to better care for myself. 

Cheers to everyone having a beautiful, restorative, and joyful 2024!

3:33am 1.8.24